Her Story: Claire Anderson
her |həː, hə| pronoun 1 used as the object of a verb or preposition to refer to a female person: Her hope in God is inspirational.
Claire Anderson is a follower of Jesus Christ, an internationally published and award-winning photographer, wife of 12 years to her amazing hubby, and mommy of 2 - her son, Preston Carter, who lives in Heaven, and her rainbow baby girl, Ella Grace, born just over a year after losing her son.
On April 8th, 2019 after a blissful and textbook pregnancy, Claire's world as she knew it turned upside down when the doctors could no longer find a heartbeat. She was 39 weeks and 4 days pregnant. In the moment she felt as though God had abandoned her, but through her unimaginable pain God showed up in the most tangible ways, and hasn't left her side since.
Claire has been publicly sharing her journey through grief, joy and hope after loss, seeking to create awareness surrounding infant loss, and also to inspire and encourage women who are going through any hardship in their lives to cling to hope and point them to Jesus. She believes as long as we are on this side of heaven, Hope is never lost.
We love Claire because of her ability to transform a story of grief and loss into a legacy of faith and hope in what God can do with brokenness and pain. Read more of her story below or watch the Facebook Live event here!
Q&A with Claire Anderson
1. Tell us a little about your journey with infertility.
My husband and I were married for 12 years and we struggled with infertility for 8 years. That’s why I was so public with my pregnancy—because it was such a miracle. We celebrated our pregnancy and got everything ready for our son. I just kept hearing the word “perfect” over my pregnancy. The doctors said everything was going so perfectly, they even called me a “boring” patient. Nothing should have gone wrong. But on April 8, 2019 we found out there was no heartbeat. Somehow, there was a knot in his umbilical cord. I had lost my son. The doctors saying I just had bad luck was really hard to hear. But once I started sharing my story I began to realize just how many other women go through this. One out of 160 births are stillborn and I still can’t believe it happens as often as it does. I don’t know why things happened the way they did and I may never understand on this side of heaven.
2. When you lost your baby, what was your emotional and spiritual state at that time?
In the moment, I felt forsaken. I felt abandoned because it wasn’t how it was supposed to go. I knew what God had promised me for so long—so all I could think was, “How is this happening?!" I was angry. Angry at God. I didn’t understand how God could let something like this happen when I had been publicly thanking Him for this miracle. But at the same time, when I woke up in the hospital, I also felt His presence so strongly. I’ve never felt closer to God. It’s so true that He is near to the brokenhearted. I made the decision early on that I wouldn’t be angry or bitter with God—I was honest but I chose not to stay angry.
3. What was grieving like for you and your husband?
The grief brought us closer together. We grieve differently, we grieved together, and we also grieved separately. There were days I didn’t know if I could ever smile or laugh again. I felt like I was betraying my son if I laughed. But grief and joy can coexist. They have to. We experience grief in stages like a cycle and I knew I wasn’t going to stay in a bad place forever. Now, I know that any opportunity I have to speak is the opportunity I have to share his legacy. I’ve reached women all over the world with this story. I needed something good to come out of it. I want to make sure his name would bring hope to others. We have so many things we want to do in Preston's honor.
4. How did you stay encouraged during this time and what gave you courage to try again?
Pregnancy after loss was the most difficult thing I’ve ever experienced. It was a daily struggle between faith and fear. But I felt like God gave me a promise. And God is in the details. I was able to stay encouraged through this pregnancy because He kept giving me signs that kept me going. I do a lot of journaling and writing. I needed to get out of the house. I am a tourist and love to be in nature—so I got out of the house where I was triggered and we went to Hot Springs, Arkansas. There, I found this chapel in the middle of the woods and I just journaled there. I began to write to my son. I turned the baby book someone had given to him and I wrote to him in it every month. Doing things like that made me feel connected with him and with God.
5. Is it okay to be angry and still love God? How did you learn to trust God again?
I have a lot of women ask me this question. But I always say—get angry. I was so angry. My handwriting was sloppy in my journals. We can’t hide our thoughts from God. He knows every thought we have. But through the anger, God will soften your heart as you are honest with yourself and with Him. I didn’t get a choice whether my son would get to stay or not—but I had to trust that God had a story that I didn’t know about. What would being angry or sad do? Would it bring him back? No. I chose to trust God and see how this story ends. I’m still here—so that means my story isn’t over.
6. How do you find joy in the Lord?
Before getting pregnant again, I wanted to make sure my joy wasn’t found in my pregnancy. I knew I needed to have my anchor in something that wasn’t tangible—not a person or a thing—that anchor can only be in Christ. I found an authentic peace in my heart before I got pregnant again. I didn’t want my joy, peace, and hope to be tied only to her. I needed it to be anchored in Christ. That was so important to me.
7. What advice would you give to women who haven’t been successful in a pregnancy journey or have lost their faith?
My word throughout this whole journey has been HOPE. Augustine of Hippo once said, “Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are.” As long as we are here, there is always something to look forward to. Trust God that He has a plan. He wouldn’t put something on your heart if He wasn’t going to bring it to pass. My pregnancy story didn’t look anything like I thought it would—but it has still been beautiful. God uses everything.
9. How would you describe how your faith has grown and what is one piece of advice would you tell your younger self?
My faith was really put to the test. When things are really tough, to still say you trust God and that you still have faith—that’s the real test. The song, “Prophesy Your Promise” comes to mind. The lyrics say, "I don’t understand, but I’m going to prophesy your promise until it comes to pass." That’s what I did with my rainbow baby. I’m going to believe God until I see it.
To my younger self, I would say, vulnerability is your greatest piece of strength and courage. Don’t put so much emphasis on what people think of you. You’re not going to be everyone’s cup of tea—but by being yourself, you will draw the people who are supposed to be drawn to you. Always have hope. Try to stay present and don’t worry about what isn’t here yet. Enjoy every moment and every season, no matter what it looks like.
10. What books are you reading right now or what would you recommend?
It's Not Supposed to Be This Way by Lysa TerKeurst
Draw the Circle by Mark Batterson
Supernatural Childbirth by Jackie Mize
Cultivate Devotional by Lara Casey
Thank you, Claire! We were so encouraged and inspired by your faith and hope after experiencing such a devastating loss. Thank you for being so transparent and for allowing healing to flow from your story and heart.
We’ll see you all next month on August 5th for our next Equipped by Faith gathering. Be sure to follow us on social media @equippedbyfaith and subscribe to our newsletter at info@equippedbyfaith.com to receive weekly Bible Reading Plan devotionals, Equip Group meet-ups, and other special updates!
XO-
Equipped by Faith